last night i remember i was dreaming all night. and i remember that all night i was dreaming about Tom. and i remember that i woke up around 5 times, and i wished i could continue the dream and all those times i went back sleeping and (luckily or unluckily) could continue my dream. i don’t exactly know what did i do in my dream, i just know that for the whole time i was with Tom. and in the morning all i could wish for is Tom waking up next to me. he had been all over my mind ever since we met, especially since i moved back to budapest, and what’s on top is that lately i’ve been planning my trip to london with a friend, to finally go to englad and to see Tom again. but i didn’t think of him as a love interest, i just knew it would be good to see him, even though i have no idea how to react to that.

wait, now i remember, that in my dream when we met again i didn’t know whether to kiss him or just hug, and it was awkward a little bit. but then at some point in my dream we did kiss, but it felt like nothing.

but today when i woke up i just had to check him out on fb, and i kind of found him attractive. i don’t know where all of this comes from, i seriously have no idea. but it may be all because i’ve been kind of in a desperate need lately, not for sex, more for a relationship. a living together, sharing life, and waking up next to each other kind of relationship. the one about support. and this is all because i could get use of a little bit of support from someone close.  because i can’t exactly get that from friends, because i can only see them on special occasions, which is all due to me working, studying and trying to survive in Life, and they are very busy too. its damn hard out there in the real world, never did i imagine it to be this hard. i hope my trip to london will eventually happen, and that by the time it does, i will know how to act with Tom.

it is not far a…

it is not far away i can return. the last 4 months have been a wild ride, the wildest ever, but i would be lying if i were to say i’m not happy for their happening. i get my first salary on the 10th of january, and then i want to buy a smartphone, and then i can finally write all my thoughts here again.

Rebecca Ferguson – Shoulder To Shoulder

so many songs, so many happenings i could post, but in lack of time, i only have this piece to leave here.

Houdini

i’m all over their music. it’s been long since i listened this much to an artist, but it seems i can’t get enough of their Torches album.  ♥ “sometimes i wanna disappear”

for the first time, i honestly fear of what is ahead of me. and this is all because i don’t have a clue on what’s coming towards me. they say you start real life, when you don’t know what is going to happen, but fuck it, if it is true, then life is not something that lifts you up and makes you happy. (getting to understand why the teenage years are the teenage years)

Me, Myself and I

the best of all the r’n'b-pop songs out there. just simply wonderful. lawyered.

A Funny Thing

i found my new musical crush!!! debut album out on the 5th of sept (:

last night i dreamt i was having sex with someone i don’t know or can’t remember, but i remember that while i had an erection in real life as i was dreaming, in my dream i was not able to get a boner…it haunts me, now in my dreams too…

When you’re around me, I’m radioactive

so two things: the party with energy man and abandoning after losing interest. i’m shit.

first of all i’m definitely over CsZ, and it is funny, because it kind of happened unexpectedly. as i was away on holiday at the sea, and then he went to Hungary, i hadn’t saw him for a week, and then he out of nowhere turned up last night, and at first i was happy to see him, but then i realized that i was happy for his homecoming without any deeper feelings attached. it’s been a while now since i was questioning whether i’m into him sexually or i just like him as a friend and that’s why i get excited for him. cause i lost interest in wanting to have sex with him (actually i kind of don’t want sex with anyone, just kissing, but later on that). but as my feelings passed away, i feel like i can get nothing out of this friendship, and kind of feel like wanting to abandon it, leave it as it is. but that is not good, cause it sucks if i can only befriend a man when i have sexual interests with him. i feel like i’m part of that theory that says that there can’t be friendship between men and women, just the sexually opposite, as it comes with homosexuality. it is weird. i know i shouldn’t let this go, at least for the experience and knowledge i can learn, getting to know how am i actually.

other than that, is that i was at a party, and there was this absolute cute guy, whom i have seen the night before last night already, and thought that his cuteness interferes with my thoughts. so he was at the party, and i really really wanted him. but only for kissing. i don’t know why do i feel unhorny, i’m afraid, but it may be because my inability to have sex the first time i was in that situation. and it is not good, because if it persists i’m gonna have to work on getting it right. but back to kissing, the guy, had such a cute smile (i don’t normally use cute, but he was so so that), and he glanced at me so many times. at least i think (hope) he did. anyway, as i was partying, only looking at him gave me so much energy, i felt like i can’t stay in my skin, i need another body for that much energy. it felt so good, when we shared a look. and i know that my gaydar sucks, big time, but i think this time it may not have failed me. he seemed to be insecure, kind of afraid, a little bit. so even though i may prefer to be picked up, rather than to pick up, i did my best to show a little something, like i waved him to dance when he sat down, and after he went out to the loo, of course i followed him after a bit (not to be suspicious), and we met at the stairs, he let me go first, and then of course i waited till he finished, and made it seem like a coincidence when he came out, then i let him go down back to the party. oh we shared a glance, i smiled like a fool, cause Tom told me i look better when i smile. i smiled all night long, especially when i was searching for his glances. then me and my friends continued partying hard, and he seemed to enjoy how much and how happily we were having fun. he seemed happy himself too. then we got kicked out, cause it was already six in the morning, and then as i was walking home i got so tensed, i wanted to brake everything in my way. i found an empty beer bottle, and thrashed it on the street. it felt so good. i have seen him on the street for the last time, and said goodbye to him and his friends, even though i didn’t know any of them. i want him just for a kiss, and would love to touch his hands, pull him closer and feel his body. no sex, just feel each other. even though i have exam tomorrow morning, i’m still gonna go out tonight, and search for him, and see him, and do my very fucking best to find out whether my gaydar has cheated me or it was right this time.

When you’re around me, I’m radioactive
My blood is burning, radioactive
I’m turning radioactive
My blood is radioactive
My heart is nuclear
Love is all that I feel
Ready to be let down
Now I’m heading for a meltdown

 

Radioactive

Electra Heart is gonna be beyond awesome!!! Can’t wait to hear and see the full concept of the album.